wecanbealright | open post

[The response comes through fairly late that night, after a lot of pacing and some rewriting. It's shorter, but not cold; Dave just doesn't tend to write a lot. But one thing that absolutely comes through, if only because he finds about five different ways to say it, is that he's not going anywhere.

Thursday, he promises, as early as he can manage, and immediately goes about setting things up so he can make good on it. He calls the hospital the next day to ask about bringing things, takes care of schedules so he doesn't have to worry about anything for the day. And makes an appointment to see his own therapist on Tuesday, getting his head on a little more straight than it has been lately.

He's still nervous when he shows up at noon, but he's doing his best to keep it to himself. There's a box of assorted cookies tucked into the crook of one arm, his other hand burrowing in the pocket of his jacket as he steps inside, looking around for Judah, the relief immediate and visible when he spots him. It's been long enough that just getting to see for himself how he's doing feels like a weight off.]

[After hearing back from Dave that he would be coming on Thursday, it is all Judah can really think about. He still goes to his solo sessions, still goes to group, still journals and goes to meals and goes for walks but whenever there is downtime, he thinks about Dave, about getting to see him again. They've talked on the phone, but it doesn't do it justice, he'd like to see Dave for himself, and know for sure he's okay. The last time they saw each other still twists in Judah's gut, making him feel guilty all over again. (Something he is definitely trying to work on).

Even though he hasn't cared too much about his appearance since he's been in here, he puts in a little more effort on Thursday, brushing his hair, which is getting long, he can't even remember the last time he had it cut, and shaving. Trying to make himself look as much like the Judah that Dave knows as he can. He's gained a little weight, required three meals a day will do that to a person, and the bags under his eyes aren't quite so pronounced, even if he still looks fairly tired. He tries not to worry about it too much, knowing that if roles were reversed, he wouldn't care how Dave looked, he'd just be happy to see him.

By the time he's heading to the lobby, he's a bundle of nerves, both anxious and excited energy swirling though him. The first sight of Dave tips it closer to the excited side, and he walks as quickly as he can to reach Dave's side, immediately wrapping his arms around Dave's waist. Something that a few weeks ago would have been more difficult for him to do.]

Hey. You came.

[He only has one free hand, but he angles himself into the hug as much as he possibly can, arm around Judah's shoulders. It takes a second to say anything, just breathing him in, eyes closed, focused on having him close again.]

Yeah, of course. [He hesitates a second before pressing a kiss against Judah's cheek, just quickly, still not entirely sure how much physical affection is going to be welcome.] It's good to see you. [Said softly, some of that relief still in his tone. He looks a little better. Dave knows it's more complicated than that, that recovery is a bitch, but it still feels like something.]

You too.

[The kiss doesn't seem to be unwelcome, as soon as he gets it and has a minute to look at Dave, he's right back to hugging him, tucking his head into Dave's neck, taking comfort from the familiarity. There have been a lot of difficulties since he's been here but he didn't even realize that loneliness was one of them until seeing Dave in person. It's nice to have a moment of reconnection, to get all the affection he's been missing out on for the past few weeks.]

[It's not something he's ever inclined to argue about, and especially not now. He's happy to hold on to Judah as long as he's given the chance to. He brushes a hand through his hair lightly, a purely affectionate little gesture, holding him close.

He does clear his throat after a minute, just trying to get rid of the little lump in his throat. God, he's missed Judah. Not just since he checked in, but before that, when things were going downhill and he kept pulling away and Dave just failed to catch anything in time to help.

Trying to keep himself from going down that path, because it's not going to help, he blurts instead:] I brought cookies. [As if the box still in hand isn't enough of a giveaway.] Not for you, obviously.

[When Dave speaks again, he finally pulls back, smiling at the box of cookies in his arms and offering to take it from him.]

I feel like I kind of coerced you into that, but I appreciate it. I think everyone here will to.

[He gestures with his head for Dave to follow him, taking Dave and the cookies down the hall to a room where a few other people are milling around and chatting, it's a larger room, with a lot of chairs and a few tables pushed up against the wall. It's where they hold group, but it is also used for guests on Thursdays and Fridays. Judah sets the cookies up on the table there, telling one of the nurses about them before moving back over to Dave.]

We can hang out in here...or there is a garden? It's inside, so it shouldn't be too cold...

Coerced is a strong word. I feel better showing up places with food anyway. [He says it like it's a joke, but honestly, it's pretty true. It's a good thing to hide behind.

He stays close behind following Judah, hands in his pockets once they're empty. He offers a little smile when Judah turns back to him, glancing around, hesitating for a moment as he considers. It doesn't seem too busy at least -- but then again, things literally just started, Dave came as early as he could get away with.] Um. We could take a look at the garden? For now, anyway? [He's planning on staying the full time if he can get away with it and Judah doesn't mind, so they can always come back in later.]

Yeah. Sure. [He offers Dave his hand when they walk out of the room, going in the direction of a small courtyard. It's in the middle of the building, still enclosed on all sides but with tile and benches and a few rows of different planters filled with flowers and succulents. It's brighter than the other rooms as well, meant to simulate daylight.]

Not everyone has access to the grounds when they get here...this is like a compromise. It helps when it's snowing too. [It's empty for now, most people probably waiting for their family or grabbing refreshments. He used to spend a lot more time in here, now that he can go outside, he usually takes his walks around the building, but this please was helpful until he got to that point.]

I can imagine. It's kinda nice. [He genuinely means it, looking around before glancing back at Judah, squeezing his hand gently.] How're you doing? [Not that they haven't covered some of that, between the call and the emails, but it feels like something good to ask. Besides, maybe something's changed in the last couple of days.]

[He doesn't answer right way, taking his time to consider and walking them over to a bench to sit on. He keeps Dave's hand in his, his finger still tapping against Dave's but not consistently, just an occasional twitch, his anxiety medication putting a stop to the worst of that habit.]

I'm...okay. The first few weeks were rough, I feel like it's getting better. [He lifts his free hand to rub at his forehead, trying really hard to talk through his feelings instead of just saying everything is fine.] The medication they put me on feels better...less numb, more just calm. I guess.

[Considering what brought him to the facility, they where quick to put him on a heavy rotation of medication. He's slowly come off of some of that now, only taking what he will likely have to take for the rest of his life. Or at least for a while. He takes a deep breath before turning to face Dave again.]

How are you?

[He stays quiet for as long as Judah needs, turned in towards him but doing his best not to just stare, going between watching their hands and looking around the garden. He doesn't want to rush him; he just appreciates the fact that he's trying to answer, really. He only looks at Judah when he starts to talk, expression soft as he watches him.

It's his turn to pause at the question, torn between the urge to brush everything off because Judah doesn't need to be worrying about him, and the feeling that he should be honest in turn. He glances down again, considering, tries to go for the middle of the road as much as possible.] I'm okay. Just... been worrying, mostly. But -- hearing that you're doing better helps.

[He nods like he expected that kind of response, and squeezes Dave's hand gently.] I'm safe here...you don't have to worry as much.

[It's easier said than done, he knows because he worries about Dave too, he just hopes it isn't so bad that it is affecting Dave's life. He'd feel horrible if he's in here working on himself and getting better and Dave is just out there suffering.]

I know you are. I'm still going to, though. [It's said with a small smile, squeezing his hand in return.] About how everything's going, at least. It's a lot to deal with.

Yeah. [He agrees, because it definitely isn't easy and some days he still struggles to even get out of bed, but it's also the only thing he has to deal with right now, which helps.] Might be harder to have to worry about this, and still work though...you probably have other stuff to think about.

Sure. I don't know about harder, though. [He hesitates, and then admits:] And I've been getting some help with picking up the slack. So. It's not too bad.

Are you getting help with everything else? [It's crossed his mind a few times, the thought that Dave might be having bad days, mental health wise or physical health wise and Judah not being there to help him through it. It's not an easy thing to think about, even if he knows that Dave certainly got by without him before they met, it's not something he should have to face alone.]

Depends what you mean by everything else. I've got people lining up to volunteer to take King out if I can't step away, so that's pretty helpful... [The confusion is genuine, not an attempt at deflection. It doesn't really occur to him that Judah's talking about his health.]

Oh, that's good. I'm sure she loves that. [He feels momentarily guilty for not asking about King before now. He misses her in a way that is almost more difficult to think about than how he misses Dave. She's like a part of him that he doesn't have, a missing piece that he tries not to focus on for too long.]

Have you...[He pauses again, unsure how exactly to phrase it.] ..have you had many bad days?

[That makes more sense. He hesitates again, glancing aside at the plants, still trying to find the balance between not lying and not making Judah worry more than he has to. Or feel bad about it, for that matter.] --A few, sure. It happens, you know that.

[He looks away for a moment before pulling on Dave's hand, trying to get him to look at him.] You...can talk to me, you know. I -- [He wants to say he can handle it but he supposes he hasn't really shown that very well.] I'm in the best place to figure out how to handle it. I guess.

I know. But I just want you to focus on taking care of yourself. I can manage, that's what my therapist is for. [He offers a little smile, his other hand folding over Judah's as well, just seeking out more contact.]

Yeah but...it's all about having multiple people, right? A system? [He frowns slightly, trying to remember what he's been told over and over in group.] I can still support you too. It shouldn't just be you here for me.

It's not. [Quickly.] I'm not-- it's just--

[He's struggling to explain himself without feeling like it'll make things worse. It feels like he's failed Judah badly enough that he doesn't deserve it, even if he knows that's not rational in any way. And they should probably talk about that, but -- knowing that is easier than actually doing it.]

...I don't want to put too much on you, either. You've got a lot to work through right now.

Yeah...[Quiet, just waiting for Dave to work through what he's feeling, because he knows it isn't easy to talk about. It's not like therapy solved all of that for him either. He just also knows that eventually it'll have to come out, keeping it all inside is what got him into this mess.]

But this is part of that -- what I'm working on. Being healthy for me...and you. It's not too much.

[He squeezes Judah's hand between his gently, still a little unsure. But he offers after a moment, voice quiet:] I just wish I'd been able to help more.

[He's been struggling with it more than he wants to admit, feeling like he let Judah down, that it's at least partly his fault it got this bad.]

>> just leaving this here.

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